Was Shakespeare a Vegan?

I’m thinking about becoming a vegan.

What? In the last post you were raving on and on about Panda Express! I could barely see your eyes over the pile of Orange Chicken on your plate!

I know but that was almost a month ago.

Do you even know what being vegan means?

Of course: no animal products.

Do you understand what that means, though?

Of course! You don’t eat meat or diary. You don’t wear leather. Etc.

And that’s fine with you?

It will be if I decide to go through with it.

Maybe you should start with becoming a vegetarian.

Eh, I don’t know. I don’t want to do something half-assed.

(Laugh.) Vegetarianism is not half-assed. It’s a very stringent way of life. I mean I’m sure you get used to it but right at first, you know?

Yeah. I just figure if I’m going to do it I’m going all the way.

I see. Okay, well, I mean it’s your life. What brought this on?

I just feel like I need to change. Something is stirring and I need to direct it. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just part of a machine—a lifeless, inorganic, inhumane machine. I feel like I need to jump ship. Start something new. Be something different.

You know humans have been eating meat as long as they’ve existed though, right?

Yeah, but it’s different now. It’s different today than it was however many thousands of years ago. I’m not hunting the meat. Nor am I raising it. I’m not handling it prudently through a natural process. It’s all machine and chemistry now. I just feel like I’m eating some guy’s science project over and over. I crave a natural meal.

Like leaves and roots and bark?

Yeah, I guess. And beans and tomatoes and mushrooms and fruits.

I’m really surprised. This is very interesting. What about tofu?

What about it?

It just seems so disgusting.

Well it is coagulated soy milk.

Ugh. Just give me milk and eggs and hamburgers and steaks and a nice, honey butter-grilled salmon. That’s what I’m talking about.

Hey man, I love those things, too.

Love is not love when you want to cut it out of your life forever.

Way to go Shakespeare on me.

You made me do it.