Chicken Salad—Hold the Sprouts

Whatcha got there?

Sandwich.

On a croissant?

Yeah? So? Croissants are perfectly acceptable sandwich platforms.

I know. What’s on it?

Chicken salad.

Pretty good?

Yeah. My wife made it.

Can I have a bite?

Really?

Yeah.

Uh…okay.

(Takes a bite.)

Mmm. Is that…apple?

Yeah.

And…grapes?

Yep.

Wow. That’s a diverse concoction there.

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah. It’s okay.

What, you’ve had better?

No. Actually I don’t even like chicken salad.

Why did you ask for a bite, then?

I thought today might be the day.

And?

Yeah, I think so. Did she make the croissant?

No. She got them from Costco.

Nice. I love Costco. Love that cheap gas.

No kidding. It’s worth the membership if you only fill up with gas there.

Seriously. The only thing I don’t get is the people who stand at the door and mark your receipt as you leave.

What do you mean? They’re just making sure you don’t get out with something you didn’t pay for.

I know but they never look very hard. All I’d have to do is bury an Xbox 360 under a vat of peanut butter and a bucket of bean sprouts.

You should try it and tell me how it works out.

You’d like that.

Would I?

Yeah you would.

At least I don’t like bean sprouts.

What’s wrong with sprouts?

They’re disgusting.

You don’t…who doesn’t like sprouts?

Me for one.

Well, I think they’re delicious.

Good for you.

Round Up

Did you see the other day where cops were taking all those bikes that had been locked on street signs in NYC?

Yeah, it's too bad, too. People are just trying to save some energy and money.

My bike was taken!

What?! Why do you have a bicycle locked up to a street sign in Manhattan?

I have a friend who lives in Queens. Last time I went to see him I bought a bike to use out there with the intention of sending it home. I never did. Now my friend has a job that sometimes takes him into the city so he was using my bike to get around when he went to the city. He has a cousin that lives at 366 E 6th Street and he was parking the bike there when he wasn't in the city. Now it's gone. It's gone!

What're you going to do?

Nothing. What's there to do?

What kind of job did your friend have?

I don't know. He never said, exactly. Something about document…investigation…procedure.

What?

I really don’t know.

Man, that’s crazy. I wonder if you can sue the city or anything.

For what?

The cost of your bike to begin with.

No. That bike was crap.

I thought you said you’d bought it when you went to visit your friend in Queens.

Yeah but that was 1985.

What?! Man, you’re an idiot. Actually, no, your friend’s an idiot. Riding around Manhattan on your dinky old BMX bike?

The bike wasn’t too little. I was large for my age.

Oh. Okay.

It was pretty old, though. I mean I bought it at a pawn shop. Who knows how old it is for sure. And it was a 10 speed, not a BMX bike.

Doesn’t help.