Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Panda Express Adds No MSG

[Buck.jpg]

What is that?

[Sol.jpg]

What?

[Buck.jpg]

That you’re eating there. Is that Panda Express?

[Sol.jpg]

Yeah. So?

[Buck.jpg]

Nothing. It’s just that’s like the twelfth time I’ve seen you with Panda Express in the last couple weeks. That’s almost once a day.

[Sol.jpg]

What you’re counting? You’re watching me? What’s it to you what I eat? I don’t hover over you and comment on everything you cram into that fat mouth.

[Buck.jpg]

Whoa. Easy. No reason to get upset. I mean I noticed but didn’t want to say anything. But, I gotta tell you, I kinda feel like I need to say something now—like I have an obligation.

[Sol.jpg]

What’s wrong with Panda Express?

[Buck.jpg]

Nothing. But moderation in all things, my friend.

[Sol.jpg]

Man, get off it. It’s no big deal. I’m just eating dinner.

[Buck.jpg]

You’ve got chow mein sprouting out your hair follicles.

[Sol.jpg]

Okay, okay. I’ve. Got. A little problem. I’m addicted to this food! I don’t know what to do!

[Buck.jpg]

Calm down. It’s no big deal.

[Sol.jpg]

Yeah it is. It’s a big deal. It’s just so delicious. It’s all I want to eat. It’s all I want to do. I seriously can’t think of anything else. I’m a Panda junkie.

[Buck.jpg]

Well, just stop going. How hard can it be? I mean, fast food is nasty anyway—you shouldn’t be eating it.

[Sol.jpg]

I know—I know fast food is nasty and I usually hate these kinds of places. I usually even hate Panda Express but this one’s different. It’s not like the others.

[Buck.jpg]

Oh really? Why?

[Sol.jpg]

Well, they’ve actually got Asians running the place. I mean usually you go in places like that and they’re run by scruffy, angry teenagers, right? “What do you want?!” “Here’s your food!” And you aren’t sure if you can trust the food they’re giving you?

[Buck.jpg]

Right.

[Sol.jpg]

Well, one day a friend was raving about this particular Panda Express. He wanted to take me but I was really hesitant because—like I said—I usually hate fast food. But he said I’d love it. So I gave in. When I walked in I looked at the person cooking up the veggies in the giant wok—it was a middle-aged Asian woman. I looked at the person cooking up the Mongolian Beef—he was young Asian man. And there were two guys helping the customers—they both had “Manager” tags on—and they were both Asian guys probably in their late 40’s. I was really taken back. Asian food cooked by Asian people. This place was legit! And the food is so, so good. And now I’m addicted.

[Buck.jpg]

Really?

[Sol.jpg]

Yeah.

[Buck.jpg]

I wonder if they have some kind of Panda Express ring going on. They tell their friends, “Come to America. Cook food in our restaurant. Start a new life.”

[Sol.jpg]

It’s not An American Tale.

[Buck.jpg]

People don’t come to this country to start over anymore? To start a new life? A better life? That all ended with Fievel?

[Sol.jpg]

I don’t know, man. It’s freakin Chinese food not the Geneva Convention.

[Buck.jpg]

(Laughing) What?

[Sol.jpg]

I don’t know. It’s just food.

[Buck.jpg]

I bet they add MSG.

[Sol.jpg]

No, sir! They have a sign up that says, “We add no MSG.”

[Buck.jpg]

Really?

[Sol.jpg]

Yeah.

[Buck.jpg]

That’s exactly what the sign says?

[Sol.jpg]

Exactly.

[Buck.jpg]

Hmm. I wonder why they said, “We add no MSG,” instead of “We don’t add MSG.”

[Sol.jpg]

What does it matter?

[Buck.jpg]

Well, they’re actually saying that they are adding something. People don’t like to hear that. People don’t want to hear that.

[Sol.jpg]

They’re adding NO MSG.

[Buck.jpg]

I know but they’re still saying they add something—even if it’s nothing. It’s misleading. It feels tricky.

[Sol.jpg]

Tricky?

[Buck.jpg]

Yeah. Tricky. Shady. They should just say, “We don’t add….”

[Sol.jpg]

Enough! They’re they same thing!

[Buck.jpg]

I’m just saying. I’d rather people read that I wasn’t adding anything. That’s all.

[Sol.jpg]

Okay. I know.

[Buck.jpg]

(Contemplatively) Asians actually cook the food?

[Sol.jpg]

Yeah!

[Buck.jpg]

Hmm. Interesting.

[Sol.jpg]

You want to go? You gotta go. Let’s go right now!

[Buck.jpg]

Yeah, maybe. But you just came from there. Maybe tomorrow.

[Sol.jpg]

So what. I don’t care. I’ll get it to go and eat it later.

[Buck.jpg]

Really? That’s a lot of Panda Express.

[Sol.jpg]

It’s worth it.


***40 Minutes Later***


[Sol.jpg]

Same time tomorrow?

[Buck.jpg]

Let’s do lunch instead.

[Sol.jpg]

Let’s do lunch and dinner.

[Buck.jpg]

Let’s start with lunch.

[Sol.jpg]

Fine.