Oats

What’s wrong with you?

Oh, just this lady who works upstairs in my building really upsets me.

What happened?

Well, I take my breakfast with me to work, right? I’m never hungry until 9:30 or 10 in the morning so I just pack it and eat it in the lunch room after I’ve been at work for awhile.

Right, I remember you mentioned that before.

Yeah, right. So anyway, during the fall and winter I like to bring oatmeal. And I bring the instant kind because it’s really easy and delicious.

Peaches ‘N Cream?

You know it. Well this lady—I don’t know how she knows when I’m in the break room every single morning—she comes in and starts looking at my food. And I hate that to begin with, you know?

Sure. She’s a food hoverer. I hate them.

I know! But, if that wasn’t enough, she starts talking to me about oatmeal. And she always, always, every damn day says, “Have you ever tried steel-cut oats? Those are delicious. Delicious and the best for you, really.”

Oh, geez.

Yeah. I just want to grab her by her baggy old throat and toss her through the window down into the courtyard six floors down.

(Silence.)

Anyway, I just hate when people talk.