Cosmic Opposites

I’m thinking about getting a dog.

Really?

You’re surprised?

Uh…yeah. Rather.

Why?

Because you’re a sloth and you move six feet a minute and you live in a tree and eat leaves. You are the cosmic opposite of a dog.

So.

So?

I think they’re cute.

Cute? Have you considered how much time, money and effort goes into caring for a pet? Especially a dog? I mean, do you even have any money?

I have a little bit that my grandmother sends me for my birthday and Christmas.

Great. You can buy the dog a meal twice a year. What kind of dog do you think you’d like to get, Sol?

A Jack Russell Terrier.

Really? You’re serious? Wow. I thought the simple notion of a sloth getting a dog was absurd, but you want to get one of the most energetic and intense hunting dogs there are? You do know JRT’s are hunting dogs, right? Huuunnnntiiinnng. That means it will hunt you. And you move six feet per minute. On average. That means there are going to be times when you move three or four feet per minute. But even if you were pushing ten feet per minute little Sparky is going to catch you and have you de-boned faster than you can blink.

I’ll train it.

Oh, okay. You’re going to train it, Sol? Really? You? How are you going to do that?

I got the internet. I’ll google “training Jack Russell Terriers.” What are you getting so worked up about anyways? It’s not like I’m telling you to get a dog.

You’re right, Sol. There’s no reason for me to get worked up about it. It’s your dog.

Yeah. Hey, I do like the name Sparky, though. Do you mind if I use that? I mean, if the dog thing works out?

I don’t mind.