Scandalous

I can’t believe it: another sex scandal in the news.

Really?

Yeah. I saw that. At least this one was for my team.

What does that mean?

I mean the last several sex scandals that have come out have been gay affairs. When I read that Newsome’s was a hetro affair I was relieved.

What?

Huh?

I’m not saying anything against gays. On the contrary. I mean it seems like the gays have been having all the fun. We’re the dull, tedious guys, you know? I’m just happy to see that my team has some life in them. I was beginning to think I was on the boring team.

So would you switch sides because you think they have more fun?

No. I don’t think switching sides is possible. Nature, not nurture. But sometimes I think I’d just like to get invited over for a party or something, you know? Just for dinner and drinks. I mean have you seen how funny Neal Patrick Harris is on How I Met Your Mother? You gotta know that a lot of the humor of that character is him.

How do you know?

You just know. The funny faces, the way he says stuff. That’s not writing; it’s the person coming through.

Now you’re an acting coach?

No, but it’s obvious.

What would your wife say if you got invited over for a party?

She wouldn’t care. She’d probably just tease me. She’s always thought I was a little bit gay anyway.

(Laugh.)

How so?

I don’t know. Just because I’m not the most manly-man, you know? I like books and…not fighting.

So your wife thinks you’re a wuss?

No, I think she knows if it came down to it I could defend her or the kids. I mean, just the other night we were sitting out on our porch after the kids went to bed enjoying the evening when this car drove by and a guy got out of the passenger side and started tagging our neighbor’s mailbox.

Yeah?

And I yelled out, “Hey!” and he took off running.

Wow, that’s something.

No kidding. You showed that 14 year old punk.

No, I’m just saying I’m not afraid to speak up when I have to.

You’re gay.

No, I’m not!

I wonder if gay guys tease each other by saying the other one is straight? I hear straight guys always calling each other “gay.” I wonder if it works the other way.

Doubt it.

I don’t think so.

Why?

I don’t think they care.

What do you mean?

I mean, it just doesn’t seem like that’d work for them. They probably have to have a gay-themed insult. Like, “You’re ugly,” or “You’re lousy at being gay,” or something. Something gay related. They’re not bothered or anything by straight guys. Saying “You’re straight,” doesn’t have any edge.

So you guys are bothered by gays?

Sure. We can't stand how they get along so well with women. We can’t get away with that. Women always think we’re trying to hook-up with them.

Aren’t you?

Well, yeah. But not always. I mean, part of that is our job—by nature. But, I’ve been married for several years. So does that mean I can’t talk to another woman for the rest of my life? It’s not like we can’t be friends and acquaintances.

Women don’t think you should, man.

No kidding. I’ve tried to be friendly to women and they always look at me like I’m some creepy, disgusting guy.

Well, not everyone thinks like that. I mean, you and I are friends, right?

Are we?

Yes, we are.

You’ve never felt like I was trying to get something inappropriate from you?

No.

There you go. I, too, feel like we are friends.

Maybe your wife is right. Maybe you are a little gay.

Maybe I need to call a press conference and announce that I’ve had an affair with an exotic woman. Then people will know I’m a man.

You do that.