A Burning Tree Collapsing

What happened to your hair?

I shave it.

Obviously. Why?

When I was younger I promised myself I’d never hold on to a fleeting head of hair. No combovers. No doughnuts. Well, about five years ago my hairline started moving back. I took a razor to it and haven’t turned back.

How often do you shave it?

Every night. Or at least every other night.

Why at night?

I have more time at night than I do in the morning; it’s not really something you want to rush.

Do you just stand at the sink and hack away?

No, but that’s how I started. Now I do it in the shower. I’ve got a fogless mirror and I use a Schick Extreme 3 razor. It’s so much easier and cleaner to do it in the shower.

Why cleaner?

All that stubble leaves nasty rings around the sink. In the shower it just goes down the drain.

Oh, right. I didn’t think about that. How long does it take you?

Three to three and a half minutes when I’m not pushing it. I can do it under two if I'm in a hurry but it gets choppy.

That’s quick.

You get good at it.

Like tying your shoe?

Yeah.

Like riding a bike?

Maybe.

Like juggling?

Like juggling.

How about like using chopsticks?

Yeah, I’ll give you that.

Ice skating?

Never been ice skating.

Roller skating?

Sure.

Playing the piano?

Probably not. Too static.

What about speaking a foreign language?

No. Speaking a foreign language is very, very difficult.

C’mon, Spanish?

Are you saying Spanish is easy? Do you know Spanish?

Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, seis.

Sesame Street?

Dora the Explorer.

Why do you watch Dora if you don’t have kids?

I’ve got nieces, don’t I?

I...really don’t know. Do you?

Yes. I do. Do you know Spanish?

No. I took two years of it in college and I still don’t know it. I’m convinced that after so many hours of class time and studying the books you just have to go to the country and live there for awhile (which I am in no position to do).

I wonder what they’d think of your shaved head if you lived down there.

The Mexicans?

Yeah.

I don’t think they’d care.

But I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Mexican with a shaved head—other than gang bangers, maybe. And even they don't have it shaved to the scalp with a blade.

I’m sure there are and I’m sure they wouldn’t care if I had a shaved head. They’re wonderful people.

How do you know?

I lived in California for a few years and worked with a lot of them at some vineyards. The most sincere, caring people I’ve ever met in my life. Every night after work they’d feed me unbelievable dinners with meats and beans and rice and tortillas (this thick), so hot and fresh. After dinner we’d sit on the tailgates of our trucks and eat oranges and plums and watch the sun set over the coastal range. It was beautiful. Like the sun was a burning tree collapsing into the Pacific.

Aw, that’s really nice, Steinbeck. I thought you worked at a vineyard, though. What’s with the oranges and plums?

The San Joaquin Valley is Eden. They grow anything you can imagine there. It’s ugly as hell but the soil is divine.

What did they think of the border discussion?

The Mexicans? Well, I was there over ten years ago so there was no real talk about border control. American’s were still comfortable with letting the Mexicans do their dirty work in silence.

They’re probably a bit concerned now.

Yeah.

What do you think about it?

I don’t know what to think. I believe we’ve got to get it under control but I don’t think erecting a giant wall is the answer. There’s got to be something more…diplomatic.

Ha ha.

What?

Erecting.

You idiot. What do you think of border control?

I say put up as many walls as we need to to get it under control ASAP. I don’t want to live in an America where I’m outnumbered by people who come from places where civil unrest and guerrilla warfare is the norm.

Yeah. I can’t argue against that.

Swimming?

Swimming…?

Is learning to shave your head like learning how to swim?

Could you warn me next time you subject warp?

Sure. What about learning how to walk on stilts? Is it like that?

You know, the thing learning to shave your head is most like is learning to comb your hair. You know how you had to learn to comb your hair when you were growing up? It takes a while to get a feel for the places you can’t see. You have good days when you get everything to stay just right and days when nothing stays where you want it. Same with this. It took me a couple months to really get comfortable with taking a razor to my scalp but it eventually started to feel more natural. I have good days when I hit all the spots and I have some days when I get to work and I run my hand over my scalp and it feels like I’ve got sandpaper tucked behind my ears. But I’ve gotten used to it and now I really like it. It’s easy and I don’t have to worry about my hair getting messed up. And I’ve had more women hit on me since I started shaving my head than when I had hair.

You must’ve had ugly hair.

Ha, yeah.

Would you go back to hair if you could?

Well, I never really liked my hair before. I have two cowlicks in the back that really jacked everything up. If I had to go back to my old hair I’d probably stay with what I’ve got now.

Would you go back for red hair?

Would I be a girl or a guy?

Why would you be a girl? Are you a girl now?

Girls with red hair can do whatever they want. It works for them. Guys can’t.

You’re a guy, then. I mean you’re still a guy.

I’d shave my head.

So you’d be in the same boat you are now.

Yeah.

So you would just keep shaving your balding head even if you were given the opportunity to have a full head of thick, straight, luxurious red hair? With no cowlicks?

Yeah.

That’s messed.