You Ain't Young So You Must Be Old

How were your holidays?

Fine.

Anything special?

Not really. A lot of sitting around. Reading. Watching television.

I think you’re the only person in the world who says “television” instead of “tv.” Why is that?

I like it. And Philo T. Farnsworth would like it.

Why would he like it?

It’s proper. It’s the right thing to say. Television. Telephone. Bicycle.

Tv. Cell. Bike.

Did I ever tell you my grandfather worked with Farnsworth?

Grandpa.

Grandfather.

He was a scientist?

No. They worked together at a grocery store when they were 12.

Oh. So they didn’t really work together, then.

Sure they did.

No. You say that with the connotation that they worked together in discovering tv so people will think your grandpa—and therefore you—have some connection to the inventor of the tv. They didn’t really work together.

No. I’m saying that my grandfather was friends with and worked with Philo T. Farnsworth when they were young.

Sure you are.

Sure I am.

What else did you do over vacation?

I took my kids sledding.

Did they like it?

The oldest one did; the younger one not so much; too cold.

Sledding’s fun.

It is great. Did you do anything fun?

Not really. I had to work a lot. I was supposed to meet a bunch of friends who were coming into town but we were never able to make our schedules match.

So you were the odd man out?

No. It wasn’t a group of friends it was several individual people I’m friends with but none of them know each other.

Too bad.

Too bad I wasn’t the odd man out?

No.

Oh. I was able to hang out with some local friends for movies and drinks a few nights, though. And I took a date to The Golden Grape for dinner on New Years Eve.

How was it?

It was a lot of money for average food.

What’d you get?

Veil.

How about your date?

She got some kind of a chicken salad with French dressing.

Oh.

It sounded a lot fancier on the menu.

Get anything good for Christmas?

My grandma gave me an Xbox and five games.

360 or original?

360.

Tiger Woods?

Yeah.

Madden?

Yep.

Geez, man. Sounds like your grandmother’s pretty cool. And has a lot of coin.

She lives alone and never spends any money. Her house has been paid off for 23 years and she only eats yogurt and oatmeal. I’m the only grandchild so she spoils me.

Guess so.

How about you?

Well, when you’ve got a wife and kids you don’t really, you know, collect like that. I got some socks and a couple ties from my in-laws; some shirts and a pair of pants from my parents. And a gift certificate to Dick’s from my wife and kids.

Ha. Clothes and gift certificates. You’re old.

I am not.

Don’t you know that only old people and kids get clothes and gifts certificates for Christmas? They’re the only ones who don’t know how to let others know what they want. And you ain’t young so you must be old.

You’re the old one—you’re older than me.

Yeah, but I’m not old. You’re old.

C’mon, man, don’t say that. I’m not old. I mean, I am kinda, but not bad old.

Whatever, man. You’ve got one foot in the hereafter.

Just because I didn’t get an Xbox doesn’t make me old. I’ve got responsibility. I make sacrifices.

Whatever. You’ve got old and you make old.

You are older than me!

Not really though. Numbers don’t count. It’s the state of the soul that matters. I’m vibrant. You’re…dull.

I’m not dull. I just don’t…I just have…I’ve made sacrifices, all right? I’m not old I’ve just made sacrifices. I’ve navigated my life for the long term.

You totally sound like an old guy trying to fit in with the young people. Nobody cares what you’ve done with your life. So what if you’ve lived prudently for the “long term.” What have to done to show for living? What have you done with your life? You tell yourself you’re making all these wise choices but for what?

For my wife and kids, that’s what.

Do your wife and kids like you?

Of course.

Seriously.

Of course.

They don’t think you’re boring?

My wife may say I act a bit elderly but she’s only teasing. And my kids…don’t really know any different since I’m the only father they’ve had.

You don’t think they’d like you better if you were a little more dynamic? More exciting? More fun?

You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Sure I do. You are just like my dad, man. You are the guy I grew up with. My dad was old and boring and dull. All I ever wanted was for him to perk up and be spontaneous and have fun. Take me out for ice cream at nine in the morning, you know? Let me stay up late and play dominoes with him while we watched SportsCenter. Let me skip church and go camping. Tell me to lay off mowing the lawn until tomorrow so we can go swimming. All of that stuff is going to be there forever but what does it matter if you don’t do anything with your life.

All what stuff?

Homework and chores and bedtime and church.

Hey, I’m fun. I took my kids sledding. And we went out and cut down our own Christmas tree. And I play with them when they’re playing with their toys. When I come home from work the first thing I do is go find my kids and give them hugs and kisses and ask them about their day.

Yeah, but those are all…I don’t know…old people fun things. I mean, going out and cutting down your own Christmas tree? That’s fun but it’s more like early 20^th Century fun. And kids don’t want their parents to play with them or hug them and ask them about their day. They want them to buy them videogames and iPods and take them to Disneyland or on a cruise to the Bahamas.

It’s clear you’ve never been a parent.

Sure but I’ve been a kid who has old and boring parents.

There’s more to it than videogames and iPods and Disneyland.

What more? Chores and homework and church?

We went sledding!

Right. Sledding. Sledding is great but it can’t stand alone, Gramps. What are you going to do in the summer? Kids are full of life and energy and they want to do fun and exciting things.

I know. You talk to me like I’m an idiot. Like I don’t know what kids are. Like I don’t know anything about my own children. Have you ever met my kids?

No.

There you go. You’re the one who doesn’t know anything about my kids. Not me. You don’t think I know that kids are energetic and full of life and want to do fun things? You don’t think I try to give my kids the best life I possibly can?

Hey, I’m just saying.

Yeah, I know. You’re just saying. But you’re talking out of ignorance. You’re the one who doesn’t know.

Okay, okay. I’m the one.