Those Are Nice Shoes

(Chick points to a pair of brown and blue Steve Madden casual shoes on the floor by the door.)

Those are nice shoes.

Thanks.

Are they new?

No.

They look new.

I just never wear them.

Why?

They squeak when I walk.

Really?

Actually, it’s more of a quack than a squeak.

Huh.

And I work in a very quiet office so the quack is amplified in the silence.

Too bad.

Yeah.

They’re nice looking.

They are, aren’t they?

Mmm.

It’s a shame, too, because they’re very comfortable.

Wouldn’t it be worth it just to wear them if they’re that comfortable? Lots of shoes squeak; they can’t be that bad.

(Buck stands up and brushes his pants down with his hands and then walks over to the shoes on the floor by the door and picks up them both up by the inside upper with his right hand. He turns around and walks back to the couch and sits down. He places the shoes on his lap, puts his hands down at his side on the couch and looks down at the shoes. He rubs dirt off the right shoe with the palm of his hand. The shoelaces are tied; he unties them and then places his hands back at his side on the couch and keeps looking at the shoes sitting on his lap. He takes a deep breath and then picks the shoes up—one in each hand—and puts them down on the floor; the right shoe in front of his right foot, the left in front of his left. He puts his feet into the shoes one at a time starting with the right shoe—using his thumb as a shoehorn—and then ties the shoelaces starting with the right shoe. He stands up and brushes his pants down with his hands. He looks down at the shoes then raises his head, looks forward and begins to walk around the room.)

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

(Buck stops at the couch; he turns and sits. His hands are at his side. He places the toe of the shoe on his left foot against the back of the shoe on his right and pulls his right foot out. Then he places the toes of his right foot—socked—against the back of the shoe on his left foot and pulls his left foot out. The shoes are side by side; the right shoe in front of his right foot, the left in front of his left. He stands up and brushes his pants down with his hands. He bends down and picks up the shoes by the inside upper with his right hand. He walks over to the door and puts the shoes back down on the floor by the door where they were sitting before then turns around and walks back to the couch and sits down. He looks over at Chick.)

You can never wear those shoes again.

I know.

† The author is not claiming Steve Madden shoes squeak or quack. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t.