Leave Me Alone and I'll Give

What’s wrong with you?

I hate pictures of cats.

What?

And rabbits. And horses. And butterflies.

Do you hate babies, too?

I hate pictures of babies. Especially when they’re dressed up like bumblebees or fruit in a cornucopia or something.

Isn’t that all a little heartless?

Not heartless. I don’t hate those things I just hate pictures of them. I hate people trying to make me think something is so cute and everything. I hate being manipulated into feeling something I’m not.

What about those “for a dollar a day you can support a child in Africa” commercials?

Sally Struthers?

Who?

Never mind.

What about the commercials?

I change the channel.

What about the Santa Clauses ringing bells in front of grocery stores at Christmas?

I ignore them.

What about the March of Dimes? Donate a dollar and get your name on a paper sneaker that they’ll hang on the wall of the store?

Nope. No dollar. No sneaker. No name on the wall.

Nice, Scrooge.

Not Scrooge. I just hate manipulation tactics.

So you’re saying if they’ll just leave you alone you’d be happy to give to their causes?

Just leave me alone and I’ll give.

Don’t you think they’re just trying to get their name out there? How will you know who to give to if they just leave you alone?

What, am I a complete idiot? I can’t look in the phone book? I can’t google “Red Cross”?

I don’t know. Maybe they think you live in a dark and empty house and only come out once a year and they’re just trying to get some love from you before you retreat back into your hole for another year.

Yeah, that’s likely.

I watched The Ice Harvest last night. Have you seen it?

No.

Do you watch dark comedies? Pulp? Noir?

No. Was it good?

I liked it. I’ve got a dark streak in me, though. Something about violence intrigues me. The ability to kill (without remorse) fascinates me. And John Cusack is always the man.

Are you violent?

Not at all. Never punched a guy in my life.

You only punch girls?

No!

So you’re into violence. Do you give to charities?

I try to.

Do you love pictures of dolphins and puppies?

I don’t hate them.

Good for you, St. Francis.