Sol Learns the Truth About Libraries and Altitude

I went to the library last night.

How was it?

Amazing.

Really? Amazing?

Have you ever been?

No. I’ve never been to a library.

How am I supposed to know?

I got a library card and they let me check out tons of books and cds! They just let me take them!

That’s kind of the idea.

I know but I feel like I duped them. I can’t believe all the stuff they have there that you can check out. Books, cds, dvds, video tapes. How come we never hear more about the library?

Well, there’s more to libraries than I think you know, Sol.

What do you mean?

Libraries are run by the mob.

The mob?

Yeah. The mob. That’s why more people don’t use libraries. People are terrified that if they lose something or don’t return the items by the due date they’re going to get rubbed out. Clipped. Whacked.

I can’t believe it! The people working there were so nice and friendly and...old.

Well those people are just regular people. They're just a front. You think nice, friendly, old people have the kind of money needed to fund that kind of operation? I mean, really. Fill a building with books, music and movies and let people take whatever they want based solely on their word that they will bring it all back in two weeks? No way.

Why would the mob want to let us borrow stuff?

To cull information to use against us if the situation ever arises. They have a file for every patron that walks through the door containing every item they've ever checked out. If the patron crosses the mob’s path in some way, they can take a look at the file and see what’s inside the patron’s head, you know? If the patron has been reading a lot of crime novels and legal books or if they’ve checked out The Godfather Trilogy 18 times in the last six months the mobsters will gather the patron might be up to something sinister. If the patron has been reading a bunch of romance novels or checking out movies like Cocoon and Cocoon: The Return they know they probably don’t need to worry.

They’re going to keep an eye on me? Are you serious?

Yep. What’d you check out last night?

Books and cds.

What books?

The Mitford Years series by Jan Karon, 13 books on origami and seven books on chess. And one book on baking at high altitudes.

Okay. What kind of cds?

Stuff from the 80’s that I always wanted but would never spend money on. Some Mike and the Mechanics, Cutting Crew and Cindy Lauper. I also got a 16 disc set of the greatest speeches in the history of the world read by Fred Rogers. It looked pretty cool.

Huh.

What’s going to happen to me, Buck?

From what you just told me I'm pretty sure you don’t need to worry.

What if they make me an offer I can’t refuse?

Just take it.

Hey, would you put on “(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight”? That song's so money.

(Sol put's on Cutting Crew's "(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight.")

You know we don’t live at a high altitude, right Sol?

Yeah.

Well, I do now.